Feeling Like a Liar

Blog Update #15

Looks Can be Decisive

Sometimes I just wanna give up, soon as you think you’ve gotten over depression and anxiety it just seems to slowly come back, like a dark cloud in the distance. I try to preach positivity, and that we’re in control of our lives and our happiness and when I do I truly feel I’m speaking the truth. I truly believe I’ve gotten over my depression and anxiety and that I’m choosing to be happy, that I did it, I conquered depression and anxiety. Then I start sharing my message to help others but as soon as I wave the victory flag I’m knocked back down on my ass. It’s like a bully that won’t let me pick myself up, then it leaves me feeling like a liar and a fake. I’m always reminded I don’t like myself, I don’t work hard enough, I’m wasting my life and not chasing my dreams hard enough. I train everyday to satisfy my ego not for actually improving my running or mountain climbing ambitions. I lack the discipline to use every hour of the day productively, I wake up an hour early because I know it takes me at least 20 minutes of staring at the floor to feel the energy to get the day started. I always feel tired and lethargic and end up wasting my time, staring at the computer screen without being able to type a single word, my mind racing non-stop. This is not anxiety or depressions fault its because I’m to lazy and undisciplined to not procrastinate, I’m too weak, I feel guilty because I’m 21 not paying rent, not paying for food, I’m too selfish. Instead of giving my parents some of my money from work I’m saving it all for myself to climb mountains and run ultramarathons under the delusion that somehow everything will figure itself out. I don’t understand why I haven’t been forced to pay rent yet. I’m too scared to accept that I’m going to have a “average” job and a “normal” life, my ego tells me I’m destined for more. My ego won’t let me be “average” I have to better than everyone otherwise I’m not sh*t. I have to work harder than everyone otherwise I’m not sh*t, the problem is I’m not disciplined enough to put in the work. I need instant satisfaction. I’m confused, I’m lost, I’m an egotistical, loser who’s great at wearing a mask, and I’m too cowardly to take that mask off to reveal who I really am, I don’t know who I really am.

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