Blog Update #10
April marks 12 months since trekking the Kokoda Track, a life-changing experience that lead to a year of experiences that many would be happy to have in a lifetime. I’ve been on top of the highest mountain in Europe, the highest mountain in Africa and the highest mountain in South America. I’ve finished 8 ultramarathons ranging from 100 miles to 50km, I’ve run a marathon, I went shark cage diving in South Australia and also went on a 4 day safari in National Parks such as the Serengeti National park, Tarangire National Park and Ngorongoro Crater. I’ve also toured Moscow, attended Eminems second Rapture tour and went bungee jumping in Argentina. All whilst meeting amazing people from around the globe; from America, to England, to Tanzania, Papua New Guinea, Sweeden, Canada, Russia, Taiwan and Germany. I can’t even put to words how grateful and lucky I am for being privileged enough to experience such amazing experiences. With that being said though even with all these highlights and highs I’ve had my fair share of lows. I was hospitalised with Rnhabdomylosis after finishing the GSER 100 an 100 mile ultramarathon with over 12,000 m of accumulative ascent, I’ve had numerous times where I felt overwhelmed with anxiety due to stress of potentially not being able to pay off deposits for certain trips, I’ve had hip, knee shin and ankle overuse injuries that put a halt to doing the things I love and I’ve been battling and continue to battle my depression, anxiety, self-doubt and self-hatred
With everything now on halt due to the COVID-19 pandemic I’ve been forced sit back and reflect. The past 12 months has gone so fast and I never let myself sit back and reflect on what I’ve done. I’d set a goal, go after it, complete it and then wouldn’t be satisfied, would then feel underwhelmed and then chase the next goal with the false hope that achieving that one would make me happy or give me some self confidence. It never did, instead I’d feel anxious because I’d feel like I’m missing out on the joy that should come from achieving these goals and then I’d feel guilty because I felt like I wasn’t appreciating the opportunity I’d had to achieve the goal. It’s a tiring back and forth that would always lead me to the same question; what’s the point? Then I’d think too much about what the point of life is and how I don’t like myself and then I’d become depressed. It goes to show you the complexity of us as people, from the outside you’d think I’d be the happiest person going around, I mean look at what I’ve been able to do and the opportunities I’ve had the past 12 months. However inside my head I feel like I could’ve done more, at times I felt like I could’ve worked harder and I’m scared because I’ve spent most of my money, have no full time job, no education out of high school and have no idea what to do with my life. All the accomplishments feel like nothing because inside I’m not happy and have no confidence within myself.
Now I’ve had the time to sit back and assess the pat 12 months I can look ahead to the next 12 months, after the COVID-19 pandemic. Something I recommend we all should be doing. I’ve decided I’m going to continue to push boundaries and build my foundational base with ultra-running and mountaineering so one day I can climb mountains such as Denali and Mount Everest and qualify for ultramarathons such as Badwater 135, Hardrock 100, Western States 100 and H.U.R.T 100. However at the same time I want to find a career that I’m passionate about. I want to go to work without having the feeling of dread and anxiety. And lastly I want to learn more about myself, my insecurities and why I don’t feel like I’m worth anything. I want to answer some questions; I know I work hard, I know I’m a respectable person but why don’t I feel it? Is this something all 21 year olds go through? I’m I just weak because I’m struggling to be happy? Whats the point of life if you feel like crap most of the time? I hope I can achieve some of these goals and get a few steps closer to happiness.
- Save enough money to make a 2021 Denali summit attempt
- Finish the 100 mile Alpine Challenge ultramarathon at Falls Creek, Victoria, Australia and use it as a qualifier for the Hardrock 100 ultramarathon
- Finish a minimum of 10 ultramarathons, ranging from 50km to 100 miles in in 5 months (August-December)
- Finish a 10 km swim (the marathon equivalent for a swim)
- Start to save enough money to move out of home and become less of a burden on my parents
- Find a career were I don’t feel anxious every morning
- Become comfortable and happy with who I am
- Increase my social media presence to help make a positive influence on peoples health, fitness and mental health by showing how capable we are as people and being positive whilst keeping it real
- Open up new opportunities that could help me achieve my long term goals of climbing Mount Everest and running ultramarathons such as the Badwater 135, etc
WHAT’S YOUR GOALS?