Finding Answers

Blog Update #9

It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster the past few weeks, so many emotions & feelings; excitement, disappointment, anxiety, depression, happiness, lots of thinking going on, maybe too much? Hang tight this blog update might be a bit all over the place, kind of like my brain

I’m sick of always being so anxious and caught in my own thoughts, why can’t I just do things like I did when I was younger. Back then I used to be able to go hang out with friends without feeling guilty for not working. I could eat a piece of chocolate cake without feeling guilty about it, I could wake up after 5:30 am and not feel guilty about it, I could talk to people without having to feel like its an enormous effort, when and why did I start worrying and caring so much? Why do I have to put my brain and my body through so much stress to feel happy? The only time I can feel happy for a couple days is if I finish an ultramarathon or climb a mountain, otherwise I don’t feel I deserve to be happy, why do I think like this? Is this what life will be like forever because if it is I don’t want a part in it. Why do I have to look down or scratch my face when I talk to someone? Why do I try and push people away soon as they get close to me? So many questions with no answers, am I over thinking this? I don’t know but I’m sick of all these questions. Why can’t I just be normal? I’m 21 never been to a party, never had a girlfriend and I haven’t even just chilled with a mate since high school. Why is this? Well at least I know that answer because for 1. Socialising is too scary because who would want to hang out with me for longer than an hour? They’d have to be crazy. 2 It’s a waste of time because I should be working or training, I don’t want to be “average”. Now I feel guilty for calling “normal” people average, why am I so special? I’m not it’s just my stupid ego. Then I judge “average” people. Why am I so judgemental? My brain will judge someone so easily and it’s so hypocritical, being like this angers me. Am I a fraud? I’m always making an effort to be nice and positive even though in my head I’m judgemental and negative. I know being so judgemental and negative isn’t right so it stays in my head but it’s still there, why am I like this? Am I cowardly for keeping it inside? Am I a bad person? And lastly why am I never happy with my efforts? Am I not working hard enough? But I’m too lazy to work harder.

Ok so the above paragraph was a bit all over the place but I thought I’d be transparent and give you an insight into my brain. I will give myself some credit, I’m good at putting on a happy face and avoiding people. And so I should be I’v had 6 years practice now. Anyway on a more positive note I came 9th out of  of 98 people at the Warburton Trail Festival 50 km 2 weeks ago (click for link to race report). I’m continuing to improve with my ultra-running which is good. A little disappointing the coronavirus has led to quite a few cancelations, but theres people with much greater concerns than missing out on an ultramarathon so my thoughts go out to them. Another positive it seems at this stage The Brimbank 50 km this weekend is going ahead, looking forward to that, that’ll be two 50 km ultramarathons in a month and 7 ultramarathons over 6 months. I don’t know how I’ve managed that, longest I’d run back in August last year (2019) was 20 km and now I’ve run 100 miles

If your reading this stay positive, help your neighbour and be respectful during the time of the coIf you’re reading this stay positive, help your neighbour and be respectful during the time of the coronavirus. We’re all in this together and like all things it’ll end.

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