Blog Update #7
December the 29th, 2019.
As the year winds down I’ve been trying to reflect and gain perspective of where I’m at and what’s happened over the past year. So many successes, failures, ups and downs, trying to step back and make an objective observation isn’t easy. As someone who’s head is constantly full of thoughts both negative and positive it’s almost impossible to see clearly. Satisfaction is short lived and new thoughts of what could’ve been done better or what the next thing is overrides any appreciation or pride of what I’ve done. This makes looking back hard, I know I’ve accomplished some pretty cool things but I can’t actually feel any pride or satisfaction. It makes reflecting objectively hard. As I reflect I can say on paper that I’ve trekked Kokoda, climbed Mount Elbrus & Mount Kilimanjaro (Europe & Africas highest peaks), run my first 42km marathon, 50km ultramarathon, 80km ultramarathon, 100km ultramarathon and 100 mile ultramarathon and participated in numerous triathlons. I’ve also worked my ass off and managed to find labouring jobs and paper drop jobs to earn enough money to pay for all the gear, entry fees, travel fees, etc. I’ve also been lucky enough to go skydiving, shark cage diving and I went on a 4 day safari in Africa, Eminem’s Rapture Tour and toured Moscow in Russia. Along the way I’ve met tons of awesome people from different countries and cultures, some of which I consider to be lifelong friends even though I only spent 5-6 days with.
However with all that being said I can’t deny how I actually feel and thats unsatisfied and pretty lonely. Ultimately I gave in and continue to give in to my selfishness and social anxieties. It’s always me, me, me, I want to do this, I need to work so I have money for that, sorry I can’t do that because I’ve got this. I’ve been trying to find out who I am, what I’m made of and what is important to me but ultimately I’ve ended up isolating myself, losing any connection to the little amount of friends I had and now honestly I even feel emotionally distant from my own family. I’ve been so focused on my own journey and have been to scared to make any real social interactions with friends, as a result my social awkwardness and anxiety around people has become a problem. I’m one of the best at hiding it but it’s exhausting and it takes it out of me. And I think due to this deep down when I’m honest with myself I’m not any happier than I was before I achieved and experienced everything I have this year. It’s complicated, I want to be proud of what I’ve done but I’m not. So many people have done more or better and at the same time have still managed to maintain good relationships and stable jobs so it’s hard to be proud of anything I’ve done. It makes it even harder knowing that I haven’t challenged myself in areas that are challenging to me specifically such as socialising, hanging out with friends and family and relaxing. I give in every time, using work and training as excuses to get out of socialising, I’ve been a coward and in a way a hypocrite. I constantly preach we need to get out of our comfort zone to improve as people however I didn’t and don’t always do this, I’m always avoiding conversations and social interactions. With all that being said though I have gained some confidence in myself and who I am. I better understand my strengths, weaknesses, what makes me tick and what I want in life and with that comes confidence to the point where I really don’t care what others think of me. I’ve come to understand that life can’t be a structured plan, good s**t and bad s**t will come along that completely throws you off the course you thought you were on. Those who seem happy deep down seem to be able to flow and adapt to these changes without letting them get to them, they have the confidence to believe whatever comes their way they’ll be able to adapt too and make work, and if they can’t do it themselves they’ll have someone who can help them through it. This is what I want to be better at and will work to become better at in 2020. Overall 2019 has been a good year but I’m beginning to realise that the more we learn about life the less me know and the more we improve and progress as people the more improvements we find we need to make. I think that’s why it’s tainted my feeling of the year, I’m starting to get a better understanding and a taste of real life. With that being said, bring on 2020.
PS, if 2019 was a bad year for you and/or if you’re going through tough times please continue to keep pushing. Sit down with yourself and think about what you desire in life and make a plan to get it. Ultimately you don’t have to achieve your desire but that journey will give you hope and a purpose to continue on and face the constant struggle that is life. Don’t give up, theres too many people who care for you.