Blog Update #5
November the 24th, 2019.
Well that escalated quickly, last blog update I was writing about running my second 100km ultramarathon and now only a month later I’ve run my first 50km, my first 100 miler and I’ve been hospitalised with Rhabdomyolysis. Even crazier is how close my third second summit attempt Aconcagua is, less than 70 days and Christmas is just around the corner!! How time flies. However even with all these amazing opportunities and experiences around me I’m constantly plagued with the demons I can’t seem to escape. Soon as I think I’ve beaten them or figured them out they come back with a vengeance, making getting the day started harder and harder. Yeah I’m talking depression, ultramarathons and climbing mountains is like a temporary fix, for a couple weeks I can be relived from my own head and enjoy life like I used too, with no thought, living in the moment. However like all things in life they come to an end and I’m left in my own head, back at work, back to reality, a reality I don’t enjoy. Do I need to find a career? Probably but I have no idea what I want to invest my time and efforts with, do I need to become more independent and less of a burden on my parents? Yes but I need a consistent income to do so, maybe I just need to grow up and accept life is what it is, a day, a week, a month, a year full of s**t, waking up and going to a job that makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve tried that for nearly two years and saved quite a bit of money doing so, but it only made my anxieties and depression worse, but at least I was getting somewhere. However I’ve blown that now, spending most of my money on climbing mountains and competing in ultramarathons. The more I think about it the scarier it becomes, is this what life is? The crazy part is I don’t even think this is why I’m depressed, it’s much deeper than that. I believe my depression is a much more deeper rooted problem than that, something to do with my self-esteem. It’s the same reason I struggle to look people in the eyes when I talk to them, or why I can’t pluck up the courage to talk to girls, theres a reason why I’ve never had a girlfriend and it’s not because I’m not interested. It’s the same reason it takes me a couple minutes to muster the courage to call someone on the phone or book a medical appointment. I force myself to do these things in the hope they will become easier but they never do. The more and more I think about it, the more I believe that maybe it’s just who I am. Maybe I have to be on a constant low so that I can have the opportunity to have the amazing highs I’ve had and hope to continue to have. Either way it’s my reality at the moment and I’m sick of trying to fix it. Nonetheless as I mentioned up top I’ve still got some exciting opportunities coming up, Aconcagua at the start of February 2020 this is the mountain where things start to get real. A 20 day expedition, for me thats a long time and I know I’m going to struggle at times but I’m drooling at the mouth for the chance to be challenged on that level. I’m also starting to plan out my 2020 ultramarathon schedule and some of these races I’m thinking about doing excites the hell out of me.
If you’re interested in reading my race reports for my second 100km The GOW 100s, my first 50km The Marysville 50km or my first 100 miler The GSER100, the one where I was hospitalised afterwards, you can check out them out in the links below:
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